"The man who knew too much" (As much an homage as an allusion)

Why'd you have to go and leave?
Maybe I rely on you too much
Maybe I just really fucking want to believe
In something

How I wish/
Wish you were here

A thousand unsent letters
A million unwept tears
Did they watch you die too
Look at you with those huge eyes
Did you read yourself into them?

I didn't want to write this about you
I wanted it to write it about me, about us
About how I can't move forward because I'm stuck
looking back
Didn't that ever torture you?
What was your favorite color? What did it look like?

What did it feel like?

You make me want to be 'from' Ohio
Flat, boring
authentic, whatever the fuck that means
You said you did it so that others wouldn't be lonely
But I've never felt more alone, now
that you're gone.

Because I felt, I feel, like it's just you and me.
I know the rest of them are out there
In their apartments
With their magazines
And shows,
and words (your words too, but never the same)
I spent my whole life wanting to be them
And then I met you
And now I am them, thanks to you.
But so were you, partly.

So what gives? What's the difference?
Why, and how did you get it, and how do I get it?
"Hundreds of thousands of pages of continental philosophy"
But that didn't get you anywhere.
You rejected the rejecters.
So I do too-but only because you did first.

I can't write what you write,
I can't be what you (are),
I can't do what you do

I'm not any better, now.
It's not any clearer.

My parents hate you for what you do, and
What you did.
But this isn't an act of rebellion. It's an act of adoration,
Which has itself died, along with every other 'real' thing,
thanks to people like you
Because it doesn't fucking mean anything anymore
Because someone did it already, and all we can do is sit
in our apartments
and read our magazines
and smirk
comment
and smirk and comment at our
smirking and commenting.

Fuck you for doing this to me
Fuck you for not sticking around to explain it any better
I can't do it by myself, and no one else
cares.

(If they do, they care about caring
Which I know you would have loved to hate)

LIL