judd i'm scared

judd, i'm scared!
the water's more than 15 feet down but it feels like more and we're all the way up here,
it'll be so cold and i'll be shivering in between thwarts while you warm yourself with sentimental strokes
we'll go together
just count down
five, four, three,
stop!
david's in!
i can't. judd i don't know why i'm so
scared.
what's going to happen.
okay, stop, you're going.
i can't
three
i'm going to scream
two
you know-
one
hesitating while they're flying and then splashing and then flying in the water like fish and birds are one and i have to go now because if i don't i will think
always thinking, yearning to
fly
and here's the air
fuck it:

s e c o n d s
elongate
as i near
the this is it
breath
or lack
there
of

LAUGHTER.
eyes closed, beaming wet face droplets on my eyelashes and your confused or amused gaze is nice so i avoid it with active determination.

again! giddy greediness and slippery rocks up muddy non paths back to the fear and counting down and judd i'm scared! you just did it! i'm counting. i hate you. really i do.

i
jumped
again
miraculous
fleeing
of
rocks
and
feeling
of
gravity.

SPLASH!
slippery skin and saturated smiles. why do you get so scared, you are incredibly happy after that. shrugs. eyes averted. one more time!

hurry, the cars are waiting and the peninsula is far so no fear this time. okay? not that i can help it. but soon your knees will brush my back in the stern of a canoe as i shiver and smile so it's time to jump while we're here, so far.

flailing arms
hit air
then water
then swooping
motions
like duck
feet
from
underwater
eyes
still
falling.

mmm. that's the best. isn't this all the best. i love it all so much. eyes rolled. ready the ship. i fall back in from slippery rocks. we laugh. my bruise purples as we head back. my lip goes white from biting and my cheeks hurt from beaming and my bone looks like it's sticking out a little more than usual but such is life.

love life.
love fear.
fearing love,
but wanting to
live in it.

dls